Just another superficial American?

November 12, 2007 · Filed Under Life as an Expat 

One of the stereotypes that Germans have of Americans is that we are superficial.  They’ll meet an American, the American will act like they are best friends, and the next time they run into each other, the American doesn’t even say hello.  I’ve often heard from Germans who’ve moved to the US that at first they are in heaven, thinking, “This is great!  Look at how many friends I’ve made and I just got here!”  But once they realize that the new “friends” are not really friends, the joy is soon replaced by bitterness at the “superficiality” of Americans. 

On the other hand, Americans often find Germans to be cold, emotionally distant, and difficult to make friends with.  This is because Germans are very careful in who they make friends with and if you are lucky enough to be friends with a German, you’ve got a friend for life.  You don’t just meet a German and ask them out for coffee or lunch or a movie.  We’ve lived here a year and haven’t been invited for coffee yet by any of our neighbors, but we’re on friendly terms with all of them.  I’ve found that it usually takes about a year or so of knowing each other before those first steps towards friendship are taken.  There’ll be several invitations to coffee, after a while, you might have dinner, and after a few years, you are great friends.

Neither way is bad, they are just different, and differences are often hard to adjust to at first, when moving to a new land.

Today, for the first time, I really felt like the “superficial” American.  Since Oliver was 6 weeks old, we’ve had a housekeeper.  She’s from Macedonia and starting from day one, we used the informal you (“du”) with each other.  We’d chit-chat briefly while she cleaned, but mostly I tried to stay out of her way.

Three weeks ago, I was feeling chatty and we ended up having a long conversation.  She asked about my family and wanted to know what Thailand was like.  I showed her pictures and asked her about Macedonia.  Then last week I was sick with a sinus infection and stayed in bed with Oliver while she cleaned, and today, I was not feeling very social and kind of ignored her (I went back to brief chit-chat).  At the end of the day, she looked at me and said (in German), “Christina, are you happy with my cleaning?”  I answered that of course I was happy.  We talked a little, and in the end, I gathered that she was a little hurt that we had shared a lot three weeks ago, but there had been nothing since.  And boy, did I feel guilty.  I can totally sympathize with not understanding the friendship signs that someone else is giving off.  I spent the first two years in Germany having no idea who wanted to be my friend and who just wanted to be a work colleague.  I don’t know how things work in Macedonia, but I can tell when someone has been disappointed.  Next week, I will try harder to be less “superficial.”

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Related posts

Comments

10 Responses to “Just another superficial American?”

  1. rositta on November 12th, 2007 11:58 pm

    You fixed it, looking good. I understand how German mind works. Maybe being a little more reserved is not such a bad thing. At least when you have a friend you know it’s for real. Canadians are very much like Americans, I had lots of friends while I was working but now they have all gone by the wayside. Such is life…ciao

  2. Tammy on November 13th, 2007 10:17 am

    Try not to judge yourself too harshly! It sounds like you were just being yourself with the house cleaner. That seems to be the most important thing.

    I think in the U.S., we are trained to think it is polite to make the new people feel more comfortable. However, it can be exhausting to build a friendship with every new person who comes into your life, so we let go of more people. That’s my theory, at least. Having the German husband kind of helped me see that difference in attitude. Fortunately, he was the ‘new guy’ way back in 2001, and I managed not to let that friendship fade :-)

    If you plan on marrying the house cleaner, then you should really rethink your attitude :-) otherwise, don’t sweat it.

  3. Sarah on November 13th, 2007 1:15 pm

    Right after we moved, Cliff briefed me on how Germans relate to each other and how they tend to perceive American social behaviors as superficial because they view it through their own lens. I tried for a long time to be very sensitive to that and I realize that I’m on their turf.

    But honestly, it gets exhausting gritting your teeth and denying your instincts on how to approach a possible friendship because you don’t want to become the stereotype. Which is why I babble with abandon when I see you :). Don’t be too hard on yourself - you slipped up and applied the wrong set of cultural rules. Lucky for you your cleaning lady is direct enough to clear the air and avoid any hard feelings.

  4. BiB on November 14th, 2007 6:14 pm

    I don’t know Macedonia but my experience with other Slavs is that friendliness, if not friendship, develops very quickly. (If booze is involved, you might be best friends by the end of the night.) It’s no-crap, cut-to-the-chase, straight-down-to-business communication. Which can be fun. Anyway, yes, no need to be hard on yourself. Plus, if you were having a hard day, I’ve never met a more sympathetic bunch regarding a hard day than the Slavs. She’d have had you crying on her shoulder in no time.

  5. American in Bad Homburg on November 14th, 2007 11:46 pm

    Hi Christina,

    you don’t know me but I’ve started reading your blog and writing my own. I like the new design. Anyways, I got tagged for a meme by American im Odenwald and I am tagging you. Hope you don’t mind. You can see details on my blog.

  6. Christina G on November 16th, 2007 10:14 am

    @rositta: I actually haven’t done anything with the website yet, I’m still sick of looking at code. But I agree with the friends thing. It’s interesting who I’ve kept in touch with (and am still friends with) since moving to Germany. They’re not necessarily the same people I considered my closest friends when I was living in the States.

    @tammy: Yeah, you’re right of course. I just hate disappointing people. ;-)

    @sarah: It can be exhausting. When I first moved here, I ran into a Canadian at KaDeWe and we ended up talking for half an hour and sharing our life stories. I never saw her again, but it felt so good.

    @BiB: Slavs do seem to be great people to be friends with. It seems to be the best of the US and Germany. I’ve made friends with the Slavs I’m friends with really quickly, and we stay in touch over time and miles too.

    @American in Bad Homburg: Thanks for commenting. I will get on that soon!

  7. Hezamarie on November 16th, 2007 7:09 pm

    This post really gets to the heart of being an expat. Alot of it is dealing with labels, esp. the ones we place on ourselves. Naturally she’s going to see many sides of you, after all, you are in your own home. You have every right to spend your not-so-chatty moments however you choose. She’ll understand.
    I think it is very promising that she asked for feedback instead of remaining silent and formulating assumptions. You have the beginnings of ‘eine nette Bekanntschaft’.

  8. Christina G on November 17th, 2007 8:13 pm

    @hezamarie: True. It is much harder dealing with the people who internalize everything and make their own assumptions (something I’m often guilty of myself). ;-)

  9. Kevin on November 25th, 2007 12:26 pm

    Hey Christina,

    It’s nice to get to e-know a fellow TJ alum in Germany! I’ve already looked around quite a bit and I’d just like to say that your blog is fantastic and I know I’ll enjoy checking in to see what’s new.

    I think it’s funny to see that you, many other Americans I know in Germany, and I tend to have similar observations about differences between Americans and Germans.

    The observation about “superficial” vs. “cold” is one that I’ve also noticed in another area: saying “thank you”.

    I thank people often, sometimes to the point that they get angry. On the other hand, sometimes I don’t get a thank you where I would expect one.

    I would say that the same general idea applies: if you’re too generous with your thank-yous, from the German perspective, each one loses meaning. From the American perspective, however, each act deserves a hearty thanks.

    As for your nephew is he already in college or still in high school? It sounds like he’s in college, but if not, I would recommend that he apply for the scholarship. It’s a tremendous opportunity. From the German side, it’s incredibly competitive; thousands of applicants compete for a couple hundred spots. But it doesn’t hurt to try.

    In general I would say he should look for a program where he is as integrated as possible; if he’s speaking his mother tongue at home he won’t get as much out of his year as he would if his roommates would speak English.

    If he’s interested in doing a high school exchange, I would have other recommendations for him. Let me know, I’d be happy to share my experience.

    Once again, nice of you to stop by!

    Viele Grüße, Kevin

  10. Christina G on November 25th, 2007 7:00 pm

    @kevin: The “Thank you” issue is one I had trouble with at first (also “Excuse me”), especially in Berlin, where people are a little, uh… rougher. I will send you an email soon about my nephew (he’s in high school at the moment).

Leave a Reply