Vacation, Teil 2

May 11, 2007 · Filed Under An American Expat in Deutschland 

After part 1 of our vacation, we headed into the Czech Republic. The first thing you notice upon crossing the border, is that the Czech Republic must be where Germans go for cheap gasoline, prostitutes and Gartenzwerge (a.k.a. garden gnomes, which apparently originate from Gräfenroda in Thuringia, Germany). I expected the gas stations, brothels and strip clubs, but large stands of garden gnomes? Can someone explain this?

Karlovy Vary, known as Karlsbad in German and Carlsbad in English, is a spa town in the Bohemia region of the Czech Republic. It was named for the Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV and was a European upper class resort and cure destination in the 19th century.  It was the location of the Queen Latifah film “Last Holiday” and played a part in the Bond film, “Casino Royale.”

Steam rising off the hot spring fed river in Karlovy Vary
Steam coming off the warm water river Tépla

One thing that makes Karlsbad special is the hot springs, 13 large and over 300 smaller natural springs, the water from which is drunk by the locals and tourists to “cure” various ailments.

Tourists drinking spring water in Karlovy Vary
Tourists drinking the spring water out of traditional spa cups

After months of being pregnant, I desperately wanted some pampering and wellness, so we thought a wellness resort in the Czech Republic would mean bargain price pampering, allowing us more treatments than we’d be able to pay for in Germany. Haha, were we ever wrong!

Spa V in Karlovy Vary
Láznĕ 5 (Bath House 5)

First, the bath houses would not let me in because (1) the floors are wet and I might slip and fall and (2) I might get in a pool containing water that is too hot for me. I’ll get back to (1) later, but as for (2), the Czech Republic businesses must have this lawsuit fear that many American businesses have, cause I’m pretty sure that in Germany, they’d just assume that you have some common sense about what you are and aren’t able to do.

What was I to do for the next three days? The hotel (and basically every place else) was pretty unhelpful with our situation, Rainer was eager to point out, “See, Germany does not have the worst customer service in the world.” I’d agree. Customer service in Karlsbad is appalling. Plus, there is also no “luxury” in the wellness treatments, they are very, very medical. I got a pedicure, which I’m pretty sure is the same thing I’d get at a German medizinisches Füßpflege place. The whole time the woman berated me in broken German about the sorry state of my feet (“Mehr eincremen!!! Mehr EINCREMEN!!!”) - this was especially strange, since I take care of my feet and usually get compliments on them from my pedicurists in the US (“You should see the feet on some of the women who come in here,” they’ll say).

After our first night, my pedicure, and a completely unsuccessful search for wellness treatments I was allowed to partake in, I decided to spend the afternoon crying and sent Rainer down to get us checked out. This ended up going nowhere, because the hotel was going to charge us for the entire stay and the reflexology appointment we’d made for the last day whether we stayed or not - didn’t we read the microscopic print on our check-in agreement?

We made the best of it. I got a facial, which was done in the front window of the salon while very loud American pop music sung in Czech was blasted over the loud speakers. We then got foot reflexology done to American pop music as Gregorian chant. Rainer says he could barely keep himself from laughing when “Losing My Religion” came on (OMG, there’s even a music video for it!).

Street in Karlovy Vary
Typical houses in Karlovy Vary

So would I recommend a visit? Absolutely, it’s a beautiful city that you could certainly spend an afternoon enjoying. Rainer’s comment was that it was “like being dropped in the middle of a Thomas Mann novel.” But be warned, there is no Apfelschorle and not even a single Starbucks to make up for this lack of my favorite German beverage (Rainer thinks we could make a killing selling Apfelschorle in the States). I don’t recommend it as a wellness spot however, well, unless you are an elderly, obese Russian with liver problems or pancreatitis.

Offerings at Bath House 3 in Karlovy Vary
Advertisement for Láznĕ 3 (Bath House 3)

The main draw of the place seems to be drinking and getting enemas with the mineral water (see the advert for “Darmspülungen mit dem karlsbade Mineralwasser”). I also love the picture of the older naked gentleman soaking in the large metal tub that featured prominently on the advert.

Most (99%) of the visitors are Russian. The residents all speak Russian, then some speak either English or German, with the higher percentage being German. At one point, we sat in a cafe at one of the bath houses having a coffee when a very large Russian gentleman entered in a track suit, clearly having just finished a treatment, and ordered a 1/2 liter glass of Vodka… at 10am! This brings me back to (1): I’m pretty sure I am more steady on my feet than an old, drunk guy, but perhaps I am underestimating the alcohol tolerance of this demographic.

Karlovy Vary
The river Tépla running through the town

As we left the Czech Republic, passing one last roadside garden gnome stand, Rainer promised me we’d have a real wellness vacation in the Bayrische Wald after Oliver comes. We’ll just have to take turns getting treatments. And that’s what I love about the guy!

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6 Responses to “Vacation, Teil 2”

  1. jen on May 11th, 2007 4:46 pm

    i can recommend a day spa in hamburg if you are ever in the area.
    they do massages, facials, mani/pedi combos. staff is great, music soothing and not a single pop song played. all low-key new agey stuff. however, it is kind of expensive. 
    http://hamburg.park.hyatt.com/hyatt/pure/spas/specials-packages/packages.jsp

  2. rita on May 11th, 2007 9:09 pm

    i am sorry to hear about all the things you weren’t allowed to do. and also of the horrible customer service. i guess they still couldn’t rid themselves entirely of their socialist approach to healthcare. ;)

    but do tell rainer he’s a sweet man!

  3. Claire on May 12th, 2007 4:38 pm

    Lovely pictures, even if the spa stuff was a bust. I will most definitly keep the travel tips in mind.

  4. C N Heidelberg on May 12th, 2007 7:12 pm

    Gorgeous town!
    Thanks for coming by my blog. I love the name Oliver, is that really the name you will use for your son?
    Are train connections easy between Regensburg & Prague? We have been thinking about places we could visit on the way to Prague, and Regensburg came up.

  5. Andrea on May 12th, 2007 8:27 pm

    I’m sorry the trip was a bust but your pictures turned out great. And Rainer is so sweet, but you already knew that.

  6. Christina on May 13th, 2007 11:43 am

    @jen: Thanks, Jen! I still haven’t been to Hamburg, but I will keep the Hyatt in mind when I eventually do go!

    @rita: I think you’re right. Rainer said the spas looked like German medical centers from the 1930’s.

    @claire: It’s a very beautiful and photogenic city. It’s well worth a stop if you’re in the area.

    @c n heidelberg: Oliver is the name we’re planning on using (you never know though). There are direct trains between Regensburg and Prague, but I think they are Regional Express. But Regensburg is very beautiful and definitely worth a visit.

    @andrea: Once I got over the initial shock, it wasn’t so bad. Karlsbad is beautiful and we found a couple of good restaurants. :)

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